Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
