Pregnant stripper...not hot.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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