I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
