I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
