So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
