Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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