I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I want a musical about memes.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
