Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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