You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
