I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
