Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
