Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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