dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
