dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
