So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
