i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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