He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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