There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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