Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
