batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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