I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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