pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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