What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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