the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
