At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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