I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
