I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
