im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
