she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
tonight lets celebrate not being married
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
