Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
