he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Come see our sink grown plant.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
