Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
