I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
