God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
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