im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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