u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
