My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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