end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
