Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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