i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
