Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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