everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
