I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
