OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
