I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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