today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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