never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
