I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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