Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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