At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
