I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
