I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
