Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
