Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
