When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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